When Jeff and I were getting ready to leave the hotel and head off to lunch before our church meetings on Saturday, I realized I had once again forgot something. There would be a 2 hour block of time that Jeff was going to be in a meeting and I was going to sit and read. The only problem was that once again, I had forgotten a book. It really isn't a surprise that I forgot it, after all the times I have to be somewhere and sit and read are pretty much none, so it is not something I think to have with me any more.
I told Jeff my disappointment and he had a wonderful idea. He suggested that we skip lunch and head to Barnes and Noble instead. Neither of us were that hungry and the idea actually made me giddy.
Once upon a time, I would spend hours there. It was one of Jeff's and my favorite places for a date. We would get italian sodas, hot chocolate, or steamers, and a sweet treat. Sometimes we sat and played games or chatted. But we would wander around looking at so many books.
But then more and more kids came and the time to wander disappeared. And so did the money we would spend on books and treats. Then we moved to where there wasn't even a bookstore. And then we moved again. And before I knew it reading books seemed to disappear from life. At first I didn't notice because I was still reading. But as much as I love "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?" and "Tales of Fourth Grade Nothing", it just wasn't the same. And I still read to prepare lessons and talks and there are scriptures that I am always hoping to get to, but reading like I once read was no more.
But things are changing. Noah is starting to sleep through the night, the older kids are becoming more independent and reading on their own. And I am trying to figure out who my new me is. (Does that even make sense?) I am no longer pregnant and I am never going to be again. I am a SAHM but before I know it my kids will all be in school and I will no longer have that as my identity either. I am not a college student and even when I go back I think I will feel too old to identify myself as such. I don't want to be identified as the housekeeper, or the chauffeur. I love cooking but it has become a duty instead of a hobby. I really want to take back the parts of me that I long ago shelved while I focused on more pressing things.
About a month ago, Sam asked if he could buy the Narnia books from a book order. I told him how much I loved the Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. He seemed surprised. That is when the change really began. I realized that the kids haven't really ever seen me reading, really enjoying a good book. And I realized that I wanted them to read books like the Narnia Series. And I wanted share with them a love of reading, not just picture books and Dr. Seuss, but really reading. I mean after all, I grew up as the Librarian's daughter, in the past people came to me for reading suggestions. And here my own children didn't even know about my love of reading good books. So I ordered the books for Sam, and when they came I began to reread the chronicles. I also dusted off some of my favorites and handed them to the kids.
My automatic mom mode sent me to the kids sections, and I found myself looking for books for the kids. Oh then I found all the fun science kits that I want to buy for them. I reminded myself that I needed a book for me that I could read that afternoon, and the kids have books to read. It was time to look for me.
I went into a slight panic when I realized it had been so long I didn't have a clue as to what new recent authors I would enjoy. I didn't want to waste money on a book that would not be worthy to sit with my Shakespeare, Harry Potter, Brothers Grimm, Lemmony Snicket and Lois Lowry (an odd combination maybe, but it's mine). It also needed to be worth using the precious time that I would give it. But I also wanted something I didn't have but should have upon my shelf. I called Nancy but there was no answer. I was on my own.
But really I needn't doubt myself, once the wandering began, I found so many that it was no longer about finding something, but how would I choose.
And so a part of me is back. I love to read, and when quiet moments appear I will be snatching the chance to curl up with a good book. And now next to Shakespeare, you will find a brand new copy of CS Lewis Signature Classics. I am currently thoroughly enjoying, "The Problem of Pain". And Nancy approves my choice.
And next time I find myself in Fargo sans children, I know where I am headed to first.
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